– You’re sleeping on my side of the bed again – I hear him through sleep, and a wave of warmth appears on my left side.
– You’re here – I hear myself saying, momentarily wrapping myself in his embrace as if he had been there all along. And this time he was gone for three weeks. I was starting to doubt he even existed. I must’ve made him up.
And when I doubt, I find myself in a sweet phase of uncertainty – the dramedy. Now, I get commissions exclusively for comedies. Write one for our theater, you know, a woman’s tale, if you can write me a stand-up, and come on, let’s do adaptation your Lovemarks book already.
Regardless of what everyone else is doing, I keep sitting on beaches on the beautiful, warm East, writing. In fact, I am in cafes and restaurants on beaches, everywhere where wi-fi recognizes me, feeling like I am at home, even though I am miles away. I write and I rage. Vladimir has called to say he was going to be late while I was still in Bali. After that he stopped answering my calls. We’ve had a situation like that before, when I panicked, alarming both the police and an ambulance, and he called the next day to say he lost his way in Kosovo. Another time, he was at Hilandar monastery in Greece, the third time he was in a Zen monastery in Japan. He keeps showing up in his own time. That I am in hysterics is my own problem. I get it. I had fun for two weeks in Bali, keeping myself busy by writing, so that I wouldn’t notice he was gone. Scorpio/Sagittarius, with Saturn weighing him down, he is probably on another pilgrimage or at the lama in Himalayas. Then I packed my stuff, and in an instant flew to Goa. India always turns my life upside down, and it’s a place I had avoided, even saying a few times I can go everywhere, just not India. Of course, just not India leads me directly there. On another beach where I can put my comedies together.
– How did you even find me? – I finally wake up. It’s dawning in Arambol. There was a party last night, and I’m still not sure whether I’m dreaming, or if this is really happening. Vladimir barely uses email and cell phone. It’s impossible to find anything about him on the internet. Man of mystery, just the way I like them. But how he keeps finding me regardless of where I am, still escapes my understanding. He claims that he is always being lead.
– I followed the clues – he laughs. – I sensed that I was needed in India. Whenever you dream of me, we are communicating. You cunningly escape, and who finds you, finds you…
– You can’t do that, I am angry. Where the hell have you been? I understand everything, we don’t need to be joined at the hip, but what’s the point of our relationship if we spend more time apart than together? – my insecurities are rising with sunrise, too. First, he surprises me, but then I get seriously angry. It’s like he knew what awaited him. I wasn’t even aware of all this anger I had, but when I get furious, I’m a pretty ugly site to behold, and even worse to experience. Once I flipped out so much that my boyfriend at the time hid under the table. That’s when I became aware of my power. I’m not always able to control myself in my emotional experiences, nor do I want to. I am what I am, the best and the worst version of myself are present. I’m not so sweet or cute at all. This is what India draws out of me. Spending some time here is the best test for every relationship. Those who survive, write a book. Or, as in my case, several of them.
– Once, you will have to face your rage – he tells me calmly, preparing something.
– That “once” is now. I am tired of waiting – something from me speaks. To my rational mind, the situation was still incomprehensible, as I was watching it like some kind of a movie in which I was also starring, but not directing. He grabbed me by the jaw, pressing some two spots in my gums, making me scream for what seemed like an eternity. Dawn in Arambol got an audio dimension, like a cry of an animal. That scream was erasing each moment someone hurt me, going all the way back to my birth. The only thing left from pain was helplessness. I never understood the connection between teeth, gums, and heartache, but I did then. Each time we keep something in without saying it, we hurt ourselves. People are capable of forgiving more than we can imagine, but first, we need to be ready to forgive – to leave behind all that is bitter and carry on. We could celebrate each day as “a love holiday” because if a day is not like “a love holiday”, it’s like we haven’t lived it at all. Forgiveness is economic for the heart. Forgiveness eliminates the expense of rage, the price of hatred and waste of spirit. Something which could potentially turn to a heart attack dissolves. It seems as though sunlight is warming you from the inside, and this Vladimir is so fearless that he could put his hand into the mouth of a raging lion, and stay alive. And now, he is petting my mane, that is, hair.
The town on the beach has come to life, ready for new adventures. The way things seem now, I may never leave this India, the beach, the sun, and Vladimir.
I may leave drama, though.
But then again, tomorrow is a new day.